Wednesday night - I’m lounging on my couch, sippin’ my strawberry-flavored Waterloo, and scrolling Instagram. Lately, my feed has been populated with sobriety quotes, booze-free drink alternatives, and puppies that can’t navigate the stairs quite yet.

A close friend sent me the link to an article: I’m Tired of Explaining Why I Don’t Drink by Sarah Wood. I immediately read it and breathed a HUGE sigh of relief that someone else felt the same way as me. I then felt the urge to share my own story.

First of all, I’ve been “sober curious” for a while now.

For most of my life, I drank the way many Americans do: happy hours on weekdays, extra drinks on the really hard days, day-drinking on weekends, a shot or two when pressured properly (especially on birthdays), and never ever turning down an occasion with an open bar.

Fast-forward to 2014, when I decided to give up booze for the entire following year (2015) just to see if I could do it. I even started a blog to write about my experiences and to track my progress.

It went incredibly well. I felt great in so many ways. It almost became a part of my identity… almost.

After that year, I cracked open the champagne on New Year’s Eve and entered 2016 with booze back in my life. I DID IT! I MADE IT A WHOLE YEAR WITHOUT DRINKING - HOORAY FOR ME! Welp, time to start drinking all over again!

Years went by, and I fell back into my old habits. I didn’t have a problem with alcohol! I drank like everyone else did. In my mind, either you were someone who had a problem with alcohol (an ALCOHOLIC), or someone who could moderate.

I could moderate. Or so I told myself.

The truth is that I never understood what “moderation” really looked like. Whenever I went with the recommended amounts, I simply felt like I was resisting the urge to have more. Like when you’re on a diet and you only get 3 cookies a week, all you can think is WHEN THE FUCK YOU CAN HAVE THAT NEXT GODDAMN COOKIE. That’s how I felt about “moderation”. A “moderate amount” wasn’t enough. And yet anything more, even what seemed like a little bit more, always felt like too much.

I just needed to figure out my balance, right? That was the whole problem - I just didn’t know how to properly moderate in a way that was right for me. It was my lack of willpower that was the issue - not the alcohol itself. (I hope you’re sensing my sarcasm there. I’m laying it on pretty thick.)

Then whatever moderation I was working towards (or convincing myself I was working towards for the 1,000th time) went completely out the window.

When the pandemic hit full force in the US in March of 2020, I easily found ways to justify drinking every day. I won’t list the numerous ways that coping with booze became acceptable because I’m sure many of you experienced the same justifications everywhere you looked.

When 2021 arrived, I realized that my daily drinking habit needed to stop. And yet, I still fluctuated - generally feeling a lack of control whenever I thought I had it all under control. I wasn’t ready to quit alcohol when I purchased Quit Like A Woman (by Holly Whittaker) in 2020. It sat on my shelf for a full year before I cracked it open - completely willing to ignore most of the advice.

As I read, my curiosity about sobriety began to grow. I was surprised to find myself picturing what my life would look like without alcohol in it. I thought back to my year without booze and wondered:

Why do we have to label people as “alcoholic” or “sober” - why is there nothing in between?
Why do we have to be deemed an alcoholic to question why we drink alcohol?
Why do I always feel like I have to explain myself when I’m not drinking?
Can I do events, celebrations, birthdays, holidays, dinners, happy hours, brunches, sporting events, Wednesday nights, any nights without booze?
Why do I continue to drink?

Everything Holly Whittaker said in that book resonated with me. And yet, I continued to drink alcohol. I simply wasn’t ready to give it up. I CAN MODERATE, REMEMBER?

After I read Quit Like a Woman, I turned 40. Lately, booze just hasn’t affected my body in the same ways it used to. If I drank within a certain number of hours before bed, I’d wake up sweating and restless - unable to get back to sleep. Hangovers are also significantly worse. I could simply look at a glass of red wine and feel a headache brewing. I questioned why I continued to put this stuff in my body that clearly my body was telling me it didn’t like.

Then an old question spoke up louder than the others: WHY DO I CONTINUE TO DRINK?

What I was looking for was a tipping point.

I picked up Quit Like a Woman again, and re-read it. This time something clicked.

I haven’t had any alcohol since October 2021. And I fucking love it.

I didn’t make a big announcement about it or anything (at least until now), because I just wanted to sit with it for a while. Not explain myself to anyone or feel the need to define my “why”. Just live my life every day without putting alcoholic beverages into my face hole.

And yet, why does that need an explanation?

The truth is, I don’t need a reason. Just like I don’t need a reason as to why I choose not to eat broccoli at every meal, or why I do choose to put mayonnaise on top of any form of potato product.

If it helps those that are sober-curious ask some questions themselves, then I’ll list a few reasons. Because deciding not to drink was a great fucking idea for me, and it all started with curiosity.

Reasons why I have decided not to drink alcohol anymore:

Because drinking alcohol makes me feel like garbage.
I don’t surround myself with people or things that make me feel like garbage anymore. (My therapist helped me work through that.) But I figured, if it makes me feel sick most of the time, maybe I should stop putting it in my body.
Because I want to feel my feelings.
I used alcohol to “cope” with any time I was feeling sad, anxious, stressed, scared, or angry. But booze only numbed me temporarily - I only felt those feels even more once the numbing passed. So I’d drink to numb myself all over again. I’ve learned it’s better to just learn how to fucking feel them feels. Face them and be in them and wallow and cry and scream and FEEL IT ALL.
Because I can socially interact without it.
When I started wondering why I continued to drink, I realized that for me, the big reason was to socialize. I enjoy the atmosphere of bars and socializing with others there. I enjoy celebrations and dancing and getting goofy. But when I saw that the key to those moments was being around people and not being around booze - I felt free. I can even remember entire conversations and people’s names, and then drive myself home safely at the end of the night.
Because I don’t waste my time on shit I don’t want to do.
If I feel like I can’t do something without booze, I don’t do it anymore. If I have to be drunk to want to participate in an Escape Room - MAYBE I JUST HATE THE IDEA OF DOING AN ESCAPE ROOM. If I can’t do that activity without booze, then why the hell do I want to waste my time doing it?
Because I feel more like ME.
I do things because they feel good. I sleep well and have the energy to exercise more. I like not worrying about hangovers. I like being in my body and being who I am. I enjoy being able to be more attentive in conversations with the people that I love, and new folks that I might love in the future. It’s pretty dang nice.

This is a big, fat, beautiful life, and I’m just figuring out the way to live it in the way that works best for me. If you’ve read this far, maybe you’ve started asking these questions to yourself, or maybe you just really really like reading the words that I write (if it’s the latter - wow, I’m flattered)!

As Sarah Wood said in her article: “My life did not end when I stopped drinking. In many ways, it started.” I can’t think of a better way to sum up my feelings about living a life without booze in it.

I no longer think about drinking as something I’m not doing. I think about everything awesome I am doing with my life instead.

A Lot Can Happen In A Year

A Lot Can Happen In A Year

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A Lot Can Happen In A Year

Sober Curious to Booze-Free: My Tale of Quitting Alcohol (finally!)